Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.