[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Love this guy
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.