I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren