*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
this… may be the greatest story ever told