*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
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People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating