*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”