*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
When news reporters do sports stories
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The Compass
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.