*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
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Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
No, I don’t think I will.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?