Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
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