*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
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Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I know this now 😂
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Does your wife know you’re single?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips