*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection