*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
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My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road