Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.