Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”