Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
remember
only for emergencies
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus