Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
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Breaking news:
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*