Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
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Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Them: You should try keto
Me:
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.