[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
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Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%