Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
This will never not be funny 😭
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life