Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse