Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
You Might Also Like
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone