Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
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Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.