[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
A new Ocean鈥檚 13 but it鈥檚 me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid鈥檚 toys out of their packages