[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
You Might Also Like
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Steam Forums
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music