[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
You Might Also Like
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
So the ex texted me
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?