Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
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FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?