@slimmy_shady: Homeless man asked me if I could 'spare some change'. I told him 'change comes from within'. Long story short, I'm missing a kidney.
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@Brampersandon_: *runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No
@CelticMoonDance: I'm beginning to question your proclamation of your "spiritual gifts". You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.
@primawesome: Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.