Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
what is cheese if not milk persevering
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles