@slimmy_shady: Homeless man asked me if I could 'spare some change'. I told him 'change comes from within'. Long story short, I'm missing a kidney.
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@Molly_Kats: WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
@GriffonTaylonYo: Barista: Can I get a name? Me: Free [Later] Barista: I've got a caramel macchiato for Free *fights break out as I smile from the corner*
@rockymomax: ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn't fit in here