@UNTRESOR: Homeless Yelp Review: Dumpster behind grocery on Calhoun & Fairfax BARELY had any rotting fruit. Owner chased me off with a bat. 0 stars.
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@SirEviscerate: ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife ME: please no
@SondraDeeMe: [vet office] ME: *puts cat on counter* He's sick VET: How so? ME: Look *cat's arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
@imdaintyaf: I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
@Getnosexual: I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me...