Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
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Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?