@scottthetwat: Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
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@Seanzkelly: Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes
@ArfMeasures: [court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" Alcohol "Umm ok, how about strengths?" *pouring him a shot* Sharing