ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
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coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.