Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.