Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.