Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
R.I.P.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t