“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.