“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Home is where your toilet is.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh