“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up