“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!