@peteholmes: "Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!" - birth of an expression
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@nocturnology: Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
@ParaComedian09: If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter, none of this would be an issue.
@Jandalize: My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's ok to leave her alone with him.
@jazmasta: [making small talk at a business function] "You're 35 aren't you?" "No, I'm 38" "Oh right" [long silence] "Did you used to be 35?"