HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings