Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.