@KevinBuffalo: Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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@rickolantern: My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn. Worst. Childproofer. Ever.
@loribuckmajor: Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
@lilgapeach30: Men. Can't live with 'em...can't finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.