Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
How dude HOW?!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me irl
everyone’s a critic
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people