“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
You Might Also Like
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.