“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
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Always
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”