Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
<- sleeps well with others
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*