“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
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[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.