If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.