Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy