[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Heroic Misunderstanding
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
japanese corn
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.