Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
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Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
White Castle for the Win
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
shut up and take my money
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it