HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
You Might Also Like
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I know this now 😂
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*weighs self after shaving