Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
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When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
me as a parent
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”