Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I don’t get marriage
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks